The Day I Got Marital Advice from My 5 Year Old

For anyone who has been in a relationship, sometimes you feel like you are the only one who can do things.  My mom has a theory that men intentionally do things wrong so women step in and say "Oh, I'll just do it" with a scowl.  This wages an internal war between pride that we are the ONLY ones who ensure the world doesn't crumble around our ears and frustration that we can't even delegate simple tasks.

Today, for various reasons, DH took over regularly scheduled Sunday activities.  This entails taking KIC to swim, Wegman's apres swim for brunch followed by grocery shopping.  There were two things on the grocery "list."  A cinnamon roll for me (I'm an addict, so sue me) and bananas.  It wasn't until later in the day that I realized that the bananas did not get purchased.  With some other sort of perfect storm factors thrown in, I did not handle the omission well and was quite vocal about it.  For the record, it's less about the bananas than about the overwhelming feeling of responsibility associated with all aspects of the Shoup House.  And that's as psychoanalytic as I am going to get.

During baby bath night, I was recounting the day to Terri and admitting that the grumpiness about the banana was a little bit overstated.  KIC joined in and shocked us all.

KIC:  Mommy, Daddy didn't get the bananas because he forgot where they were.
Me:  No, Daddy didn't get the bananas because he forgot to get them.  He knows where they are.
KIC:  Daddy forgot the bananas because he didn't have a list.
Me:  That's right, he didn't have a list because he didn't make a list.
KIC:  Well, when Daddy doesn't make the list, then you can also make a list.
Terri:  She knows more about marriage than I do and she's only 5!!

This is where Terri and I burst into hysterical laughter.  She had me dead to rights and there was nothing I could say.  Nothing. 

KIC:  And when you don't have a list, then that's when you get into trouble.
Me:  Nobody is in trouble.
Terri:  No, I think we're all in trouble.

As the conversation went on, and KIC was waxing poetic about the importance of lists, Terri desperately tried to steer the conversation away from the controversy.

Terri:  Okay, I'm going to change the topic.  KIC, how was swimming today?
KIC (who obviously heard, "you had swimming today"):  That's very true, Aunt Terri, but right now we are talking about the importance of lists.

It was shortly after this point that I declared baby bath night over and it was time to wash up.  I didn't need to hear any further why Daddy and I BOTH were in the wrong.  So much for female solidarity in the Shoup House.  Thank goodness for Christmas moonshine.  Keep it coming, Terri.  I think I'm going to need a 13 year (at least) supply.  Heaven help us all.

We done lost our minds!!

I have a confession to make.  Sometimes, not only am I ornery, but I contradict myself.  Shocking, I know!!!  I hate scary movies.  Hate them.  I couldn't even stay for "The Others" even though it was free.  I got mad at my friend Terri when we went to see "The X-Files" because she promised me that there would be no scary scenes.  In the broad light of day, I would run from the room whenever the guy ripped the other guy's heart out on Indiana Jones.  No haunted houses, ever, for this girl.  EVER.  E.V.E.R.  I prefer to avoid scary movies and scary scenes altogether. 

Here's where I get weird (shush, peanut gallery):  I LOVE to do scary makeup.  I'm not creative like those guys that do the monsters and stuff for movies, but I can do a good gory biker run over by a car straight outta the movies.  Frankenstein, with bolts and all - no sweat.  Conversely, princess makeup scares me.  Even KIC, with her heavy hand when applying makeup, scares me less than it would if I did it myself.

Okay, bad example.  The hair is scarier than the makeup.

Given my penchant for scary show/movie avoidance, it should be no surprise that I am not currently watching, nor have I ever watched "The Walking Dead."  For those not in the know, "The Walking Dead" is a tv show on AMC about zombies...or something.  I contemplated watching it, briefly, before Terri politely advised against it for the scary factor.  That right thurrr is a good friend.  I must have scarred her for life after "The X-files".  

Enter NannyK who apparently likes to scare the living daylights out of herself (just a guess).  The show introduced an app that allowed viewers to take the picture of their choice and "zombiefy" themselves.  Yesterday, NannyK showed me a picture of herself as a zombie.  With morbid fascination, I urged her to "zombiefy" KIC. 

"Please, sir, may I have more braaaaaaaaaaains???" 

I loved it!  LIKE LOVED IT!  NannyK was INSISTENT that we not show KIC her picture as a "slombie" (as KIC calls it).  Incidentally, it was NannyK waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back when that sparked a brief fascination in zombies for KIC.  (She used to walk around the house with her shirt over her head saying "I'm a sloooooooooombie.")  I did not know it was NannyK's influence that caused this fascination until AFTER I hired NannyK.  Just sayin'.

When KIC woke up from her nap, I did inDEED take the opportunity to show her the picture her loving nanny made of her as a "slombie."  She looked at it confused, not recalling when it was she had put on zombie makeup.  Her main concern was that none of the makeup get on her American Girl doll, McKenna.  It took awhile for NannyK and I to explain that it was merely a filter causing her to look like a "slombie".   I then suggested (because not only am I morbidly fascinated in zombies, but I'm apparently an instigator too!) that we do a "slombie" picture of McKenna too.  NannyK and I were told, in no uncertain terms, that we were NOT to make McKenna into a "slombie."  In KIC's words, "If Santa (who gave KIC McKenna in the first place) comes back next year and he sees McKenna all messed up from being a "slombie", you are going to be naughty!!)"  I, of course, mouthed to NannyK "take the picture at nap tomorrow!"

In a conversation later with NannyK, she mentioned that the pic of KIC as a zombie kind of freaked her out.  I asked if it was because she was afraid KIC would wake up crying out "Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!!!  I need braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!!".  She said "If McKenna gets ahold of her, maybeeeeee" and then she sent me this gem:

So wrong, it's right!



Hope Santa doesn't put NannyK and I on the naughty list!!!!  That NannyK - she is the gift that keeps on giving!

8 Simple Rules Men Will Ignore

It turns out, yesterday's post neatly led to a point/counterpoint discussion.  Here to present his side of the story is Bill Aquaviva, a part time partner in kickball and general mayhem.  Part time only because we no longer work together.  He's tall, he's funny and he's got a mean kickball kick.  And bonus:  ladies...he's single!  Line forms to the left.  ;-)

1. No, be honest with us: “I want a man who makes me laugh”. “I’m looking for a gentleman”. “I’m looking for character and morals more-so than looks”. No you’re not. You’re looking for Brad Pitt and someone who can make you laugh, is a gentleman and has character and morals. Guess what, there’s one Brad Pitt in the world ladies and I guarantee I’m funnier than him and I probably have higher standards than him – plus I wouldn’t have ditched Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie just because she was hotter. Guys lie and girls lie. Both are looking for physical attraction so don’t say it’s not the most important thing when it clearly is.

2. I think I know what kind of girl I want: Look, just because my end goal is a long term relationship doesn’t mean you are going to be it. I might go out with you and realize you’re not the one for me, and that might happen immediately or over time as the real you comes out. Of course there are guys just looking to get laid and will deceive you into thinking they care but you should be able to spot them right away – like when they push for sex on the first date! And if I push for sex on the first date there should be no hurt feelings, no accusations and no stalking; you can call me a jerk and leave but you just met me how the hell are your feelings hurt? And just because we want to kiss you doesn’t mean we want to push you up against your car and take you right there – we just want to kiss you.

3. Sometimes less is more: First of all, a woman gets more emails because society has set men and women up this way. The guy is supposed to pursue and the woman is expecting to be pursued. Just because you get a lot of emails doesn’t mean you’re all that. It means you have a nice profile picture. If you want a guy who is going to be a real prospect then focus on the emails with substance in it. Ones that mention your interests and show proof they read your entire profile. That’s someone who wants to know “you”, not just the pretty face or hot body he sees. And your “we can always find another guy” mentality is what contributes to your fickleness in online dating. Stop thinking “he’s OK, but let me see who else is out there, maybe something better will come along” and send an email to the “ok” guy and see how your conversations go. He could be your Prince Charming.

4. Gentleman my ass, women want a bad boy: No man wants to be the “nice guy” or the gentleman who is paying for dates, putting effort and thought into dates, going slow and being respectful when you’re not being intimate with us because you like me and don’t want me to think you’re a slut by sleeping with me too soon but meanwhile you’re out there having a one-night stand with someone else. Yes ladies, you do have what we want and I think we make that painfully obvious but that doesn’t mean you should use that as a lure. You know what that gets you? A bunch of men trying to be the one to catch that lure. Why do I have to work for it? If you like me and are attracted to me than what is wrong with giving it to me? Besides, playing hard to get with a bad boy attitude and not so quick text replies opens those doors faster as women worry about losing you – or their perceived hold on you.

5. I’ll never call you again: Who wants to tell someone obviously looking for confirmation that you liked them and want to see them again that you didn’t and won’t be calling them? Do you really want us to end our date that way? Do you want that rejection up close and personal? Fine. Next time you say “so you’ve got my number, right?” I’m going to say “Sure do, but I’m deleting it as soon as I get to my car because this isn’t gonna work for me”. Men say they’ll call because it’s expected – it’s the polite thing to say, and yes, because it’s easier to never call you again than it is to deal with you in person when you get mad or upset. And if you’re building a house and picking out names for our kids after one or two dates then you have deeper issues than just being a potential stalker and you should really see someone about that.

6. Empty bed = cheating: We don’t think you’re playing coy if you turn down sex on a first date. If anything that would be a good test of a woman you want to date versus a woman you just want to nail. But we do think you’re playing games when there’s no sex on the horizon after multiple dates, and that really annoys us and it’s only a matter of time before I go looking for someone who will give me what I want if you won’t. Ultimatums should never be used in dating or for sex, but if they are at least you now know you can walk away. And please don’t threaten us with telling your friends about us. That doesn’t do anything but make it a challenge for us to now nail as many of your friends as we can.

7. Lots of animals successfully poop where they eat: Office romances are not a bad idea. Why are you assuming we’re going to go through the entire staff? Maybe I really like one co-worker and want a serious relationship with her. Why should she be off-limits just because we work together? Because women can’t keep their mouths shut and have to tell everyone? Or is it because you’ll spread rumors about me if we break up just to be bitter and vindictive? Men are well aware that women talk and we know most of you are not discreet about it so if we’re willing to put ourselves out there to date you and risk all that gossip it might just be because we like you.

8. My dad was a wolf and I accept your apology: This goes back to #5 and lying about calling you. If it’s over I’ll tell you but I’ll tell you on my terms, which like you is usually put on hold while we find someone else to take your place. When we do tell you in person it’s usually dealt with tears, anger, accusations of cheating, etc. Who wants to deal with that crap? If you were more mature about it and able to say “that sucks” or “I didn’t see that coming” or maybe you did see it coming but were hoping things would improve then we would tell you in person. Or, like in #5 we can be honest and say we no longer like/love you and found someone else so take care. How would that go over for you? What are you going to say to your girlfriends about me now? It’s less about manning up than it is with having to deal with the emotional onslaught that follows a breakup.

Unfortunately it doesn’t all boil down to respect, ladies. You want respect but you don’t give it. Hell, half of you don’t even really want the respect, you want the bad boy. And no matter what happens you’re going to look at us cross-eyed and tell all your friends, and take out a billboard, and post a “Beware of this man” on Craigslist, and dedicate a Facebook page inviting all our exes to talk about what slime balls we are. So we may as well play by our rules. Just sayin’.

Eight Simple Rules for Single Guys

Eight Simple Rules for Single Guys

Alternately titled “Thank God I’m Married!”

Based upon the alternate title, you may ask yourself why I am writing a blog post for single guys. It’s a valid question so let me explain. It has recently come into my awareness (read: we girls gossip) the state of dating today. I thought it might help for a happily married woman, with no vested interest in dating to provide some objective feedback to the lonely hearted (read: lonely bedded).

1. Be Honest With Us: With the BOOM! of online dating, it’s not always easy to get a read on people. I get it. Body language is definitely important in the early days of getting to know someone. However, if you’re looking for a booty call, not a life’s mate, let a girl know. Just let us know up front so we can be on the same page – or kick you to the curb. Whichever is appropriate. Which leads me to #2.

2. What kind of girl do you want: Don’t say you’re looking for a long term relationship and push for sex on the first date. This leads to many many complications that can be avoided. Hurt feelings, hurled accusations and even stalking, and nobody wants that. Figure out what you want, tell us what that is (communication – shocking, I know!) and if it’s gonna work, it’s gonna work. But better to save time up front.

3. There’s always more where you came from: There’s a reason online dating is so popular: quantity whittled down to quality. Know how many emails a girl with an online profile receives daily? More than what’s in your inbox, I bet. We can always find another guy, one who might just be better suited than you. You want some of this? Then see #4.

4. Be A Gentleman: Girls have what guys want. We know it, you know it, and clearly our ancestors knew it. If you want it, then it’s worth working for.

· Don’t ask on the first date what my “downtown” grooming situation is. You want what I got, then you shouldn’t care.

· Ladies first. In all things in and out of the bedroom. End of story.

· It takes two seconds to open a door for us. Old fashioned or not, you opening physical doors for us, opens other doors a lot faster – if you catch my drift.

5. Don’t say you’ll call and never do: I get that this is ingrained so far into the male DNA that it will take another 100 years of evolution to rewire, but get over it. You don’t like me, you don’t want to see me anymore, tell me. My physical appearance doesn’t match your online expectations? Don’t say “I’ll call you” if you never intended to. Be a man and say “this isn’t going to work.” Otherwise, I’m still building a dream house with five kids in my mind and we all know how that goes! Stalking.

6. Ultimatums = empty bed: When I say no to something beyond my comfort level, I’m not playing coy. I don’t want to have sex on the first date/meet your goddesses/insert appropriate (or inappropriate) situation here. If an ultimatum is issued and you don’t find yourself in an empty bed, then it will only be a matter of time before the girl wakes up and sees your true personality (see: douchebag). And don’t think she’ll be afraid to tell her cute, single friends about your tactics thereby drying up other potential hookups. Good luck with that.

7. Don’t poop where you eat: Office romances are a bad idea. When you’re a player working your way through the entire single girl population? Worst idea ever. Like so ever. Girls talk. Some are discreet, some are not. If you’re going to engage in office hanky panky, choose wisely. That nubile, cute 20 something is going to have no problems telling all her friends about you. Thereby drying up other potential hookups. Again, good luck with that.

8. If it’s the end, it’s the end: Look, if this “thing”we have has run its course, chances are the girl knows it too. She’s probably keeping you around while she scopes out other opportunities. Girls like arm candy too (and no, I’m not talking about diamonds). But I digress. If you aren’t feeling “it” any more – tell me in person. Worst case, you don’t want to see the tears (of happiness), call. Texting, emailing, social media, “Dear Jane” letter – they are all cop outs. Man up! Anything else should make you feel like a slimeball – unless you were raised by wolves, in which case, I apologize.

It all boils down to respect, men. Respect us, we’ll respect you. Disrespect us, and we’ll talk about that time you laid down an ultimatum because the girl wouldn’t do what you wanted her to. And then we’ll look at you cross-eyed and tell all our friends. And maybe take out a billboard (or 7). And post a “Beware of this man” on Craigslist. And dedicate a Facebook page inviting all your exes to talk about what a slimeball you are. Just sayin’.

I Can't Let This Go

Alternately titled, "Why You Shouldn't Tell Me Anything."

I want to first preface this by saying, the person depicted in this story is 100% not made up and also not me.  Secondly, I'd like to also state that this is all in good fun but everything the other person says they BELIEVE. 

Friend:  You won't believe what happened to me!  I got pulled over for going 57 mph.

Me:  In a 55??

Friend:  Yes!  And I told the officer when he pulled me over "Officer, I have been told my whole life that there is a speed allowance and that during work hours, you can go a certain number of miles over the speed limit."

Me:  You shouldn't have done that!  That is an admission of guilt!  You should just get your speedometer calibrated and when you go to court -

Friend:  Oh, I didn't get a ticket.

Me:  You didn't??

Friend:  No, I just got sassed.  The officer said to me "You know, usually people never pass me."

Me:  You PASSED a police officer?  Going above the speed limit?

Friend:  I always do. 

Me:  ...

Later in the day:

Friend:  After the rough start I had this morning, things are kind of crazy.

Me:  Well, you had the police officer pull you over and what else?

Friend:  That's it.  And I was on the phone with my friend, so he said "So, you passed me AND you were on the phone."

Me:  You PASSED a police officer AND you were on the phone when you did it???

Friend:  Yes!

Me:  I just...I can't...I am going to leave now because I don't trust my filter is working.

Friend:  It's never been a big deal before when I have passed police officers.  It's part of the morning commute.

Me:  Please stop talking. 

Friend:  *laughter*

If you need me, I'll be auditioning new friends with a driver's online test.  Oy.

Secret Club

I am part of a secret women’s club

Members join reluctantly, to no fanfare

We don’t have a handshake or secret signal

No wink, no nod, no fancy hats or outrageous clothes

We wear masks, like scarlet letters, to hide the pain

We don’t hail our club members with hearty greetings or big bear hugs

Only when another joins our ranks, do we reveal our membership

There is no initiation, no ritual to gain entrance

There are no privileges, no fancy balls

No retreats where we can rest our weary minds

No ornate lodge for congregation

Just a lonely little atoll surrounded by an ocean of emotion

Yes, I am part of a secret women’s club

It’s one I can never leave

I can only paste a bright smile on my face

And support my sisters as they grieve.

My weird friends

A friend was recently forced to renovate a bathroom in her home.  Understandably, she took the opportunity to put some style into the renovation. My friend's style is fairly conservative, so when she referred to the soon to be renovated room as the Liberace room, I naively thought she had chosen some wild color.  To be fair, my friend gave me many clues, including the use of the word "wallpaper", but as I am a visual person, I couldn't really see past some weird purple color.

This is an "in progress" photo she sent me:

Liberace would be proud

The following is the conversation that ensued:

Me:  Ummm, that's a whole lotta look.

Friend:  Lol...What other room could we get away with doing that in?

Me:  Maybe it's better in person.

Friend:  Probably not.  It's a little bit metallic and very ostentatious.  That's why I call it my Liberace bathroom.  We are going to get a white corner cabinet to fill up some of the space.  I have a candelabra I can put on top.

Me:  Who even says candelabra any more?

Friend:  What else would you call it?

Me:  I would call it "Not in my house".

For those interested, my friend is charging a mere $5 to tour the Liberace/seizure inducing bathroom, so if you happen to visit Jacksonville, FL, be sure to give her a ring.