Monday, May 21, 2012

The importance of birthdays

Everyone knows that when you are young, birthdays are king.  They become a bargaining tool (if you'll be my friend, you can come to my birthday party), a weapon (you're not my friend.  I'm not inviting you to my birthday party) as well as an affirmation of friendship (XXX invited me to her birthday party!!!).  KIC LIVES for birthdays, and more specifically, birthday parties.  Aunt Terri's birthday is coming up and KIC has been further reinforcing her love of birthdays.  She's also been reminding me of the fact that she forgets NOTHING.

The set up:
Me:  KIC, Aunt Terri's birthday is coming up so -
KIC:  Can we go to her birthday party????
Me:  Well, no, Aunt Terri lives pretty far away and -
KIC:  We can drive there!!
Me:  We can??
KIC:  Yes, Daddy and I can help you drive there.  Daddy??
DH:  Yes, Kaitlyn?
KIC:  Can we help Mommy drive to Aunt Terri's?
DH (seizing a rare "payback" moment):  We sure can, KIC.
It was at this point, I changed the subject and stated it was time for me to take a shower.

The gift:
Me:  KIC, what do you want to get Aunt Terri for her birthday?
KIC:  A bike.
Me:  A bike??
KIC:  Yes, I think Aunt Terri wants a bike.
Me:  KIC, I'm pretty sure she doesn't want a bike. 
KIC:  I want to get her a bike.
~ Mommy calls Aunt Terri for confirmation that no, indeed she does NOT want a bike~
KIC:  Who was that?
Me:  Aunt Terri.
KIC:  What did she say?
Me:  That she doesn't really want a bike but will love and appreciate anything you get her.
KIC:  Then, I will get her a bike.
Me:  KIC, she doesn't really want a bike.
KIC:  But she said yes.
Me:  Yes, I know, but -
KIC:  She said yes, so we will get her a bike.
Me:  No, she doesn't want a bike so we'll have to figure out something else to get her.
KIC:  Okay, well, remember, that one time after school you said we could get her a bounce house and I could play in it.
Me:  Bike it is!

Enjoy your bike, Aunt Terri!  Happy birthday!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Just Call Me Lizzie

There was recently a (temporary) reduction of animals at the Shoup zoo.  Our (not at all) sweet hamster, Princess Gypsy crossed the Rainbow Bridge.  DH discovered the poor girl and promptly informed me.  We hatched a plan where the hamster would be covertly replaced with KIC none the wiser.

While I was in the shower (doesn't everybody do their best thinking in the shower??), I recalled several conversations wherein KIC referenced dying or being killed (bugs, to be specific).  Armed with this knowledge, I decided it would be a better policy to be honest with KIC.  This would have been okay, however what I failed to take into account is KIC was hungry and tired.  This is a recipe for crankiness under normal circumstances, but when you add hearing about the loss of a beloved (in the eyes of a four year old) pet, the results are nothing less than disastrous.

Because I was the one who delivered the news, Princess Gypsy's blood was (figuratively) on my hands.  At one point, as KIC was railing at me about how "you're not my friend, Daddy's my friend", I looked right at DH and said "you're welcome".  His smug face indicated we should have stuck with the original plan and then we wouldn't be in this mess.  To which I glared and stomped off, while hearing "you died her!!  You're not my friend!!"

Eventually, after a meal and some ice cream, KIC's heartbreak faded and we welcomed Princess Gypsy 2.0 into the Shoup Zoo. We all love PG 2.0 and work very hard to ensure her health and happiness.  Little Miss Memory of an Elephant, however, will remain ever vigilant as I interact with PG 2.0.  Recently, as KIC was taking a bath, I refreshed PG 2.0's water.  When I came back into the bathroom, KIC gave me a stern look and said "You didn't die her, did you?  Because that would make me very sad".  To which, I replied, rather sullenly, "No, I didn't!!"

If you need me, I'll be on my therapist's couch, asking why hamsters never love me

Saturday, May 5, 2012

This ain't yo momma's book club!

I was recently invited to join a book club. The first round featured an extremely heavy book and I wasn't sure I could hang. While the book was heavy, the conversations were irreverent, whimsical and funny. As the number of times we meet increases, our time spent discussing the book decreases, and the humorous discourse increases. It should be noted that, unlike many book clubs, our humor doesn't increase with our alcohol consumption, giving you an idea of just how awesome these ladies are.

There are some gems from tonight that are simply too good not to share. These are taken out of context, but I place no spin on the content at all. Okay, maybe a little.

The progression of a gift discussion:
"Hello,Pedro? How much would it cost to taxidermy a hamster? $200?? How long would that take? Could I have it by May 19th?"

"Hello, Mom? We're interested in creating a three piece taxidermied hamster mariachi band. Do you think you could check the taxidermy prices at the lake?"
"Okay, mom says we'll need to send the mariachi clothes and instruments with the hamsters. She says Michael's is a good place to look."
"I know someone who sews. We can totally get mariachi costumes for the hamsters!"
"We might want to get animals that are easier to find.  Though, calling around asking for dead animals to taxidermy is what puts you on my client list."  - criminal defense attorney

How far do you go to avoid embarrassment?
"I paid you $50 to not go to your sex party!"

"This crazy girl is going to shave her head, get a faux hawk - "
"You don't actually have to shave your head to get a faux hawk. You can just buzz it."
"Whatever. She's going to shave her head, get a faux hawk and dye it pink to raise money. I asked her how much it would cost for her NOT to do it."
"I will double what she's paying you so that you DO do it and I want pictures of you walking into work with a pink faux hawk."
"Yeah, I'm not actually going to go into work with pink hair."
"Oh. Well, that decreases the value for me."

On Death and Dying:
""Going to the lake" is my mother's euphemism for taking animals to the vet to be euthanized."
"Does she take husbands to the lake???"

"Wait, why do you have a dead hamster in your freezer?"
"Because they start to stink if you leave them sitting out."
"I have two dead hamsters in my freezer. I've had one for a year and a half, and the other for six months."

"I have the perfect book to read for our next book club."
"What's it called?"
""Ants Have Sex In Your Beer."
"My 15 year old son is going to ask how!"

The Aftermath:
"Tonight is going to get its own blog post!!"
"About crazy women who taxidermy their children's hamsters to give as gifts??"

Hopefully, you too can find an irreverent book club. Just remember, the first rule of book club is to not talk about book club.