Friday, September 28, 2012

An Unexpected Endorsement

My mom and I get a perverse pleasure in her ability to bust out pop culture references in front of my easily embarrassed brother so I try to work them into conversations whenever I can.  Yesterday, we were discussing illicit substances and how one might request such substances.  I was attempting to bring her current on some of the references, when in the middle of the conversation, I got an unexpected endorsement. 

Mom: I don't think I would know where to go or what to ask for if I did want to do anything.
Me:  That's simple.  Just ask for a dime bag or an 8-ball.
Mom:  I've never even heard of an 8-ball.
Me:  It's a heroin measurement.
Mom:  Fascinating!!!  I learned something new today.
Me:  Stick with me kid, I'll show you the ropes!
KIC (from the backseat):  She sure will!!!!!

When I related the inappropriateness of the conversation my four year old had just participated in to NannyK, her response was "Well, it's a good way for her to learn fractions."

KIC frequently gets asked where she goes to school.  From now on, I'm going to reply "The School of Hard Knocks!"

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

My Day Job is Safe

Having KIC in a more relaxed setting has given us the ability to explore new enrichment opportunities.  KIC, for her part, is happy to participate in most anything.  With this new chapter, however, she will get to explore dance for the very first time.  She has displayed an amazing (read: moves only a mother could love) ability to "shake her booty".  As she has not displayed the same affinity for using her listening ears, Sassy K (KIC's in-home teacher.  I am currently auditioning nicknames) and I agreed that perhaps something a little more freestyle (hip hop/jazz) and a little less structured may be the best course to start with.  I love me a girl in a tutu as much as the next parent, but visions of KIC standing there shaking her booty and grinning like a wild child while the other girls were en pointe kept flashing through my head.

In support, and practice of the upcoming dance class, I decided that purchasing Just Dance for the Wii would be a good idea.  And what kind of parent would I be if I didn't demonstrate/explain the "rules" of the game??  I felt like I could be reasonably good at it, having invented my own dance move:  The Peppermint Patty (not the candy, the Peanuts character).  Haven't heard of it??  I'm shocked!!!  It's legendary (amongst my friends as a way to discuss my extreme lack of dance moves).

Apparently, my cool quotient was lost on KIC as I demonstrated the game.  Midway through the FIRST song, she stopped in the middle of a dance move and said in the "you're really have no clue" voice generally reserved for teenagers:  "Are we going to miss bedtime??" As I was out of breath from shaking my booty to the musical stylings of "I like to move it move it", I could only weakly shake my head and finish the song.

So, my three takeaways from the evening:
1.  No, there is no video nor do I plan for one in the future.
2.  If my 4 year old, who compliments me on my burping abilities, can't appreciate my moves, then my day job can rest easy in the confidence that I will not be quitting any time soon.
3.  I hope my dignity returns soon.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

My kingdom for a night of uninterrupted sleep

I love sleep.  Anybody who knows me will tell you I love sleep.  And they will tell you that if I don't get a full ration of sleep, I am unbearable.  We are in a perpetual cycle of broken sleep for me, which has been going on for about four months now.  I fully acknowledge that there are some things I CAN be doing differently, but resolution to the principle problem continues to elude me.
This is what a typical night looks like for the Head Zookeeper (aka me):
11:00 pm (ish):  Lights out.  King beagle joins DH and I on the bed.  This is not a problem as his snoring has the effect of a sweet lullabye and for all his 50+ lbs (he has asked me not to reveal his true weight), he really doesn't take up that much room.
11:30 pm (ish):  I snappishly politely inform DH that it is bedtime and I don't want to hear about the mechanics of the new router/stack/computer doohickey he installed at work. 
11:45 pm (ish):  Fall asleep plotting sweet revenge as DH continues to explain about computer doohickey. 
12:30 am (ish):  Am rudely woken up by paw in face.  This is not King Beagle, who maintains his residence at the foot of the bed.  No no, this is 75+ lb Havoc who has the grace of a gazelle when it comes to getting on the bed, but loses said grace when it comes to actually sleeping in bed.  Chase Havoc off of bed, waking DH in process.  DH blindly grasps for spray bottle to hasten Havoc's departure off of bed, squirting me in the process. 
12:45 am (ish):  Fall asleep plotting DH and Havoc's revenge, with grim smile firmly in place.
1:30 am (ish) to 3:30 am (ish):  Wake, with terror in heart, to KIC's bedroom door firmly closing (because neither she nor DH appreciate the value of shutting the door quietly).  Feel covers on my side of bed (why it is always my side, I don't know.  Maybe because I am closest to door.) unceremoniously ripped off.  KIC climbs into bed for less than 10 minutes before requesting to "go backa my bed."  Poke DH awake so he can take her to her bed. 
4:30 am (ish):  Wake with fear that I am paralyzed as I cannot move my legs.  Realize Havoc has gotten on the bed, AGAIN, and chase him off.  DH too tired to pick up water bottle, so I thank God for small blessings.
6:00 am (ish):  After hitting snooze on alarm several times, drag sorry butt out of bed to start my day, wondering why I am so tired.  Recall events of night and hate.everyone.  Go to closet to get clothes for day, see that both Havoc and the dog affectionately known as The Enforcer, have occupied space previously assigned to me.  This makes three out of four dogs on bed.  Only reason there isn't four dogs is Old Girl is arthritic and only gets on bed for special occasions (namely, naps with mom).  Family, and dogs, escape unharmed as I am out of the house before they are awake. 
For the record, I recognize that crating Havoc will help with the interuptions, however, I still have KIC to contend with.  I came up with a genius plan, and decided to try bribery.  The night light to chase away the "frogs, spiders, bees and Queen bee" did not work, so hopefully the lure of a new Barbie and a Pinkalicious game will be the answer. 
In the meantime, if you know anybody selling sleep in a bottle, I am willing to pay a pretty penny.