Monday, March 4, 2013

The Day I Got Marital Advice from My 5 Year Old

For anyone who has been in a relationship, sometimes you feel like you are the only one who can do things.  My mom has a theory that men intentionally do things wrong so women step in and say "Oh, I'll just do it" with a scowl.  This wages an internal war between pride that we are the ONLY ones who ensure the world doesn't crumble around our ears and frustration that we can't even delegate simple tasks.

Today, for various reasons, DH took over regularly scheduled Sunday activities.  This entails taking KIC to swim, Wegman's apres swim for brunch followed by grocery shopping.  There were two things on the grocery "list."  A cinnamon roll for me (I'm an addict, so sue me) and bananas.  It wasn't until later in the day that I realized that the bananas did not get purchased.  With some other sort of perfect storm factors thrown in, I did not handle the omission well and was quite vocal about it.  For the record, it's less about the bananas than about the overwhelming feeling of responsibility associated with all aspects of the Shoup House.  And that's as psychoanalytic as I am going to get.

During baby bath night, I was recounting the day to Terri and admitting that the grumpiness about the banana was a little bit overstated.  KIC joined in and shocked us all.

KIC:  Mommy, Daddy didn't get the bananas because he forgot where they were.
Me:  No, Daddy didn't get the bananas because he forgot to get them.  He knows where they are.
KIC:  Daddy forgot the bananas because he didn't have a list.
Me:  That's right, he didn't have a list because he didn't make a list.
KIC:  Well, when Daddy doesn't make the list, then you can also make a list.
Terri:  She knows more about marriage than I do and she's only 5!!

This is where Terri and I burst into hysterical laughter.  She had me dead to rights and there was nothing I could say.  Nothing. 

KIC:  And when you don't have a list, then that's when you get into trouble.
Me:  Nobody is in trouble.
Terri:  No, I think we're all in trouble.

As the conversation went on, and KIC was waxing poetic about the importance of lists, Terri desperately tried to steer the conversation away from the controversy.

Terri:  Okay, I'm going to change the topic.  KIC, how was swimming today?
KIC (who obviously heard, "you had swimming today"):  That's very true, Aunt Terri, but right now we are talking about the importance of lists.

It was shortly after this point that I declared baby bath night over and it was time to wash up.  I didn't need to hear any further why Daddy and I BOTH were in the wrong.  So much for female solidarity in the Shoup House.  Thank goodness for Christmas moonshine.  Keep it coming, Terri.  I think I'm going to need a 13 year (at least) supply.  Heaven help us all.

Friday, March 1, 2013

We done lost our minds!!

I have a confession to make.  Sometimes, not only am I ornery, but I contradict myself.  Shocking, I know!!!  I hate scary movies.  Hate them.  I couldn't even stay for "The Others" even though it was free.  I got mad at my friend Terri when we went to see "The X-Files" because she promised me that there would be no scary scenes.  In the broad light of day, I would run from the room whenever the guy ripped the other guy's heart out on Indiana Jones.  No haunted houses, ever, for this girl.  EVER.  E.V.E.R.  I prefer to avoid scary movies and scary scenes altogether. 

Here's where I get weird (shush, peanut gallery):  I LOVE to do scary makeup.  I'm not creative like those guys that do the monsters and stuff for movies, but I can do a good gory biker run over by a car straight outta the movies.  Frankenstein, with bolts and all - no sweat.  Conversely, princess makeup scares me.  Even KIC, with her heavy hand when applying makeup, scares me less than it would if I did it myself.

Okay, bad example.  The hair is scarier than the makeup.

Given my penchant for scary show/movie avoidance, it should be no surprise that I am not currently watching, nor have I ever watched "The Walking Dead."  For those not in the know, "The Walking Dead" is a tv show on AMC about zombies...or something.  I contemplated watching it, briefly, before Terri politely advised against it for the scary factor.  That right thurrr is a good friend.  I must have scarred her for life after "The X-files".  

Enter NannyK who apparently likes to scare the living daylights out of herself (just a guess).  The show introduced an app that allowed viewers to take the picture of their choice and "zombiefy" themselves.  Yesterday, NannyK showed me a picture of herself as a zombie.  With morbid fascination, I urged her to "zombiefy" KIC. 

"Please, sir, may I have more braaaaaaaaaaains???" 

I loved it!  LIKE LOVED IT!  NannyK was INSISTENT that we not show KIC her picture as a "slombie" (as KIC calls it).  Incidentally, it was NannyK waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back when that sparked a brief fascination in zombies for KIC.  (She used to walk around the house with her shirt over her head saying "I'm a sloooooooooombie.")  I did not know it was NannyK's influence that caused this fascination until AFTER I hired NannyK.  Just sayin'.

When KIC woke up from her nap, I did inDEED take the opportunity to show her the picture her loving nanny made of her as a "slombie."  She looked at it confused, not recalling when it was she had put on zombie makeup.  Her main concern was that none of the makeup get on her American Girl doll, McKenna.  It took awhile for NannyK and I to explain that it was merely a filter causing her to look like a "slombie".   I then suggested (because not only am I morbidly fascinated in zombies, but I'm apparently an instigator too!) that we do a "slombie" picture of McKenna too.  NannyK and I were told, in no uncertain terms, that we were NOT to make McKenna into a "slombie."  In KIC's words, "If Santa (who gave KIC McKenna in the first place) comes back next year and he sees McKenna all messed up from being a "slombie", you are going to be naughty!!)"  I, of course, mouthed to NannyK "take the picture at nap tomorrow!"

In a conversation later with NannyK, she mentioned that the pic of KIC as a zombie kind of freaked her out.  I asked if it was because she was afraid KIC would wake up crying out "Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!!!  I need braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!!".  She said "If McKenna gets ahold of her, maybeeeeee" and then she sent me this gem:

So wrong, it's right!

Hope Santa doesn't put NannyK and I on the naughty list!!!!  That NannyK - she is the gift that keeps on giving!