Friday, July 26, 2013

My Weird Friends: Post #35 (or something)

My crazy Liberace loving friend and I share some irreverent emails on occasion.  Okay, really, most of our conversations, no matter the medium, take a turn for the weird.  I think in some ways, we set out with grim determination to see who has the most abstract content.

My friend, whose sanity I seriously question, has her daughter at home with her for the next month while waiting to start a new school.  This while juggling the demands of an infant and trying to work 40 hours a week from home.  Bet you are starting to question her sanity as well.  This has been her first full week and if everyone in the household survives the next month, then it will be due to being on the receiving end of man many many miracles.  So, if within the next month, you ask for a miracle and do not receive it, you too can blame my friend Liberace.

To lighten the mood, I forwarded an email I received about artificial insemination of pandas.  The email was titled innocently enough "Giant Panda Update:  Cub Watch Begins!"  I am not sure why I continue to receive emails very technical in nature about giant panda insemination, but I am always happy to share them.  In this email, they mentioned that since Mei Xiang and Tian Tian failed to mate naturally, Mei Xiang had been inseminated twice with the sperm of Tian Tian and another male, Gao Gao.  The following chain ensued:

Me:  No matter how fun Mommy Day camp is NOT, at least you are not getting updates regarding the artificial insemination of pandas.
Liberace:  I'm pretty sure Tian Tian wouldn't appreciate the Smithsonian advertising his deficiencies.
Me:  And if it turns out to be Gao Gao's baby, is Tian Tian going to be expected to raise it?  How come Gao Gao gets off scott free?
Liberace:  Right?!  Is there a mediation lawyer for panda custody cases?
Me:  That could be our million dollar money maker - Panda Custody lawyers!  How's your mandarin?

And that, friends, is how you get sucked into a panda custody wormhole.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Why KIC can never go back to summer camp

My current employer offers a great summer camp deal to all employees.  I signed KIC up for camp thinking it would be a sort of "kindegarten lite."  She would ride the school bus, have to get up early and be in a modified classroom setting for a couple of weeks.  Today was KIC's first day at summer camp.  Between NannyK and I, we have spent hours and hours, weeks upon weeks talking up summer camp and how fun it is going to be.  KIC was super pumped to go to summer camp and woke up with a cheery attitude at o'dark thirty when I indicated it was time to get up.  Breakfast to go, sunscreen, fully stocked backpack (one change of clothes, three pairs of underwear, towel, sunscreen, bug spray hair brush, second pair of shoes, kitchen sink, etc) and we were off!

I took a different way to work today, taking advantage of the fact that I had two people in the car and we would be able to use the high occupancy vehicle lane.  As I travelled down this road, I was reminded, yet again, why I pay $8 a day for the convenience of the toll road.  We BARELY squeaked by to get to the bus that was going to take KIC to camp.  All was well and with a "Bye, Mom!" she was off for her very first big girl camp.  No NannyK, no mommy, no daddy, just KIC alone in the big world. 

All day long, I was antsy with anticipation.  I couldn't wait for 4:00 so I could pick up KIC at the bus stop and hear all about her day!  A friend, recognizing my antsy-ness, offered to come with me to the camp mid-day to check everything out.  I politely declined stating I wanted to hear how KIC's first day at camp went before I started doing the random check ins. 

Finally, 4:00 came (okay, 3:50) and I walked sedately (raced) to the bus stop, gathering other parents along the way.  I waited impatiently for her to get off the second bus, but when she did, she looked happy and said she had a good time.  "Mommy, I was with the graders today!"  "There were graders there??"  (wondering if there were some safety violations I should be concerned with)  "Yes, first graders, second graders, I was with them!"  Cute.  Off we went in the truck, heading for home.  Since there is no nap at camp and KIC is accustomed to a two hour nap every day, she promptly fell asleep effectively eliminating any camp talk on the way home.

We reached home and the following conversation happened:
KIC:  "Mommy, on the bus today, a boy said a bad word."
Me (knowing this summer camp deal was too good to be true):  "What did he say, KIC?"
KIC:  "I don't want to tell you because you'll get mad at me."
Me:  "I promise I won't.  What word did he say?"
KIC:  "Underwear.  But he said he was sorry and that he would tell his mommy what he said and would never say it again."
Me:  "KIC, that is not a bad word."
KIC:  "Oh.  Well, then that's okay."

End of conversation.  (those of you who have seen my status on FB can guess where this is going)  We eat dinner, chill out for awhile and then it's time for bath.  KIC takes off her cute little sundress and it is revealed that she is not wearing any underwear. 

Me:  KIC, where is your underwear?
KIC:  I didn't put any on after swim.
Me (voice rising):  Why not???
Me:  Okay, fine, just make sure you put some on after swim tomorrow.
KIC:  Okay, mommy.

We do the shower thing and she's getting dressed and something dawns on me:  the underwear conversation.

Me (near hysteria):  KIC, did the boy on the bus ask you were your underwear was??????
KIC:  Nooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Me (not reassured):  What did he say to you?? 
KIC:  To weaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr soooooooooooooommmmmmmmmme.

So there you have it.  KIC can never go back to camp and I now have to find another job.  If you need me, I'll be in the corner in the fetal position playing "Crying Game" over and over.