Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Eight Simple Rules for Single Guys

Eight Simple Rules for Single Guys
Alternately titled “Thank God I’m Married!”
Based upon the alternate title, you may ask yourself why I am writing a blog post for single guys. It’s a valid question so let me explain. It has recently come into my awareness (read: we girls gossip) the state of dating today. I thought it might help for a happily married woman, with no vested interest in dating to provide some objective feedback to the lonely hearted (read: lonely bedded).
1. Be Honest With Us: With the BOOM! of online dating, it’s not always easy to get a read on people. I get it. Body language is definitely important in the early days of getting to know someone. However, if you’re looking for a booty call, not a life’s mate, let a girl know. Just let us know up front so we can be on the same page – or kick you to the curb. Whichever is appropriate. Which leads me to #2.
2. What kind of girl do you want: Don’t say you’re looking for a long term relationship and push for sex on the first date. This leads to many many complications that can be avoided. Hurt feelings, hurled accusations and even stalking, and nobody wants that. Figure out what you want, tell us what that is (communication – shocking, I know!) and if it’s gonna work, it’s gonna work. But better to save time up front.
3. There’s always more where you came from: There’s a reason online dating is so popular: quantity whittled down to quality. Know how many emails a girl with an online profile receives daily? More than what’s in your inbox, I bet. We can always find another guy, one who might just be better suited than you. You want some of this? Then see #4.
4. Be A Gentleman: Girls have what guys want. We know it, you know it, and clearly our ancestors knew it. If you want it, then it’s worth working for.
· Don’t ask on the first date what my “downtown” grooming situation is. You want what I got, then you shouldn’t care.
· Ladies first. In all things in and out of the bedroom. End of story.
· It takes two seconds to open a door for us. Old fashioned or not, you opening physical doors for us, opens other doors a lot faster – if you catch my drift.
5. Don’t say you’ll call and never do: I get that this is ingrained so far into the male DNA that it will take another 100 years of evolution to rewire, but get over it. You don’t like me, you don’t want to see me anymore, tell me. My physical appearance doesn’t match your online expectations? Don’t say “I’ll call you” if you never intended to. Be a man and say “this isn’t going to work.” Otherwise, I’m still building a dream house with five kids in my mind and we all know how that goes! Stalking.
6. Ultimatums = empty bed: When I say no to something beyond my comfort level, I’m not playing coy. I don’t want to have sex on the first date/meet your goddesses/insert appropriate (or inappropriate) situation here. If an ultimatum is issued and you don’t find yourself in an empty bed, then it will only be a matter of time before the girl wakes up and sees your true personality (see: douchebag). And don’t think she’ll be afraid to tell her cute, single friends about your tactics thereby drying up other potential hookups. Good luck with that.
7. Don’t poop where you eat: Office romances are a bad idea. When you’re a player working your way through the entire single girl population? Worst idea ever. Like so ever. Girls talk. Some are discreet, some are not. If you’re going to engage in office hanky panky, choose wisely. That nubile, cute 20 something is going to have no problems telling all her friends about you. Thereby drying up other potential hookups. Again, good luck with that.
8. If it’s the end, it’s the end: Look, if this “thing”we have has run its course, chances are the girl knows it too. She’s probably keeping you around while she scopes out other opportunities. Girls like arm candy too (and no, I’m not talking about diamonds). But I digress. If you aren’t feeling “it” any more – tell me in person. Worst case, you don’t want to see the tears (of happiness), call. Texting, emailing, social media, “Dear Jane” letter – they are all cop outs. Man up! Anything else should make you feel like a slimeball – unless you were raised by wolves, in which case, I apologize.
It all boils down to respect, men. Respect us, we’ll respect you. Disrespect us, and we’ll talk about that time you laid down an ultimatum because the girl wouldn’t do what you wanted her to. And then we’ll look at you cross-eyed and tell all our friends. And maybe take out a billboard (or 7). And post a “Beware of this man” on Craigslist. And dedicate a Facebook page inviting all your exes to talk about what a slimeball you are. Just sayin’.

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