Wednesday, February 27, 2013

8 Simple Rules Men Will Ignore

It turns out, yesterday's post neatly led to a point/counterpoint discussion.  Here to present his side of the story is Bill Aquaviva, a part time partner in kickball and general mayhem.  Part time only because we no longer work together.  He's tall, he's funny and he's got a mean kickball kick.  And bonus:  ladies...he's single!  Line forms to the left.  ;-)

1. No, be honest with us: “I want a man who makes me laugh”. “I’m looking for a gentleman”. “I’m looking for character and morals more-so than looks”. No you’re not. You’re looking for Brad Pitt and someone who can make you laugh, is a gentleman and has character and morals. Guess what, there’s one Brad Pitt in the world ladies and I guarantee I’m funnier than him and I probably have higher standards than him – plus I wouldn’t have ditched Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie just because she was hotter. Guys lie and girls lie. Both are looking for physical attraction so don’t say it’s not the most important thing when it clearly is.

2. I think I know what kind of girl I want: Look, just because my end goal is a long term relationship doesn’t mean you are going to be it. I might go out with you and realize you’re not the one for me, and that might happen immediately or over time as the real you comes out. Of course there are guys just looking to get laid and will deceive you into thinking they care but you should be able to spot them right away – like when they push for sex on the first date! And if I push for sex on the first date there should be no hurt feelings, no accusations and no stalking; you can call me a jerk and leave but you just met me how the hell are your feelings hurt? And just because we want to kiss you doesn’t mean we want to push you up against your car and take you right there – we just want to kiss you.

3. Sometimes less is more: First of all, a woman gets more emails because society has set men and women up this way. The guy is supposed to pursue and the woman is expecting to be pursued. Just because you get a lot of emails doesn’t mean you’re all that. It means you have a nice profile picture. If you want a guy who is going to be a real prospect then focus on the emails with substance in it. Ones that mention your interests and show proof they read your entire profile. That’s someone who wants to know “you”, not just the pretty face or hot body he sees. And your “we can always find another guy” mentality is what contributes to your fickleness in online dating. Stop thinking “he’s OK, but let me see who else is out there, maybe something better will come along” and send an email to the “ok” guy and see how your conversations go. He could be your Prince Charming.

4. Gentleman my ass, women want a bad boy: No man wants to be the “nice guy” or the gentleman who is paying for dates, putting effort and thought into dates, going slow and being respectful when you’re not being intimate with us because you like me and don’t want me to think you’re a slut by sleeping with me too soon but meanwhile you’re out there having a one-night stand with someone else. Yes ladies, you do have what we want and I think we make that painfully obvious but that doesn’t mean you should use that as a lure. You know what that gets you? A bunch of men trying to be the one to catch that lure. Why do I have to work for it? If you like me and are attracted to me than what is wrong with giving it to me? Besides, playing hard to get with a bad boy attitude and not so quick text replies opens those doors faster as women worry about losing you – or their perceived hold on you.

5. I’ll never call you again: Who wants to tell someone obviously looking for confirmation that you liked them and want to see them again that you didn’t and won’t be calling them? Do you really want us to end our date that way? Do you want that rejection up close and personal? Fine. Next time you say “so you’ve got my number, right?” I’m going to say “Sure do, but I’m deleting it as soon as I get to my car because this isn’t gonna work for me”. Men say they’ll call because it’s expected – it’s the polite thing to say, and yes, because it’s easier to never call you again than it is to deal with you in person when you get mad or upset. And if you’re building a house and picking out names for our kids after one or two dates then you have deeper issues than just being a potential stalker and you should really see someone about that.

6. Empty bed = cheating: We don’t think you’re playing coy if you turn down sex on a first date. If anything that would be a good test of a woman you want to date versus a woman you just want to nail. But we do think you’re playing games when there’s no sex on the horizon after multiple dates, and that really annoys us and it’s only a matter of time before I go looking for someone who will give me what I want if you won’t. Ultimatums should never be used in dating or for sex, but if they are at least you now know you can walk away. And please don’t threaten us with telling your friends about us. That doesn’t do anything but make it a challenge for us to now nail as many of your friends as we can.

7. Lots of animals successfully poop where they eat: Office romances are not a bad idea. Why are you assuming we’re going to go through the entire staff? Maybe I really like one co-worker and want a serious relationship with her. Why should she be off-limits just because we work together? Because women can’t keep their mouths shut and have to tell everyone? Or is it because you’ll spread rumors about me if we break up just to be bitter and vindictive? Men are well aware that women talk and we know most of you are not discreet about it so if we’re willing to put ourselves out there to date you and risk all that gossip it might just be because we like you.

8. My dad was a wolf and I accept your apology: This goes back to #5 and lying about calling you. If it’s over I’ll tell you but I’ll tell you on my terms, which like you is usually put on hold while we find someone else to take your place. When we do tell you in person it’s usually dealt with tears, anger, accusations of cheating, etc. Who wants to deal with that crap? If you were more mature about it and able to say “that sucks” or “I didn’t see that coming” or maybe you did see it coming but were hoping things would improve then we would tell you in person. Or, like in #5 we can be honest and say we no longer like/love you and found someone else so take care. How would that go over for you? What are you going to say to your girlfriends about me now? It’s less about manning up than it is with having to deal with the emotional onslaught that follows a breakup.

Unfortunately it doesn’t all boil down to respect, ladies. You want respect but you don’t give it. Hell, half of you don’t even really want the respect, you want the bad boy. And no matter what happens you’re going to look at us cross-eyed and tell all your friends, and take out a billboard, and post a “Beware of this man” on Craigslist, and dedicate a Facebook page inviting all our exes to talk about what slime balls we are. So we may as well play by our rules. Just sayin’.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey Kelly, you couldn't have said I was cute or handsome in your introduction of me? You have something against lying?